Coupon Challenged

"We were the people who were not in the papers. We lived in the blank white spaces at the edge of print. It gave us more freedom. We lived in the gaps between the stories."-Atwood

I may not be published in the newspaper, but I'm writing my story here. Does that mean I've given up my freedom? Does the word define me or do I define the word? HHMMM......

I've been trying to make some adjustments in our family life. One of which is to coupon! I love hearing all the stories about all the money being saved and think how wonderful it would be to apply that to our family budget. I dream of walking into a store and only paying $.50 for a whole bag of groceries. I personally think that is too good to be true....

AND so Karma makes it's way into my life. If I don't believe it, it will never happen, right? I'm not applying "the secret" very well.

In the past 3 weeks, I've only received my papers once. I fail to understand what is so hard about delivering a newspaper. Other than the fact that I'm suppose to have 5 on my doorstep every Sunday. And it's not just me. There are numerous others in my neighborhood who have multiple papers on their driveways. Those red plastic bags glistening in the sun...I'm so jealous that it's not on my driveway. How am I suppose to save $100's of dollars if I don't get my paper?

Maybe I'm just not cut out to cut coupons.

Admissions

I had a realization just now that I need to write down:

I was that girl in High School that seemed to have everything. She had her own car (or van to be more precise; not that glamorous), she got to be out late with her friends, she was a cheerleader, she dated the guy on the football team (just one and he wasn't even the captain AND it was very brief). She just had it all going for her. She got good grades, she was friends with the teachers, she had a large group of friends. You name it, I probably was all those things and so much more to a lot of people. I'm sure most saw me as successful, having my head screwed on straight....I'll even venture to guess that most thought I would travel through life fairly easily and come out the other side just full of optimism, lots of friends, and a nice car to boot.

I hate to break it to ya, but I'm none of those things. More to my point: I'm that girl that had everything in High School and lost it all. High School was so easy compared to being an adult and a Mom and a small business owner. It is DANG hard! Should it really be this hard? I'm sure I'm making it out to be much worse in my head than it is in reality. Some days my children are lucky I don't lock them out of my house just to get some peace and relief, but wait, if I did that then I would worry about them getting hit my a car, or someone snatching them from my porch only to claim a hefty ransom.......

Lately, I am in a gall of reality and it stinks! I cannot see the bend in the road let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that no matter how hard I try to get a handle on something, anything, it just eludes me. I can't get ahead to save my arse! I guess the lesson here is to just let go. Maybe it eludes me because I'm holding on too tight?

What it comes down to is I feel very mediocre in my life right now. I don't feel that I'm succeeding at anything; there's always so much more to do that the stuff that does get done gets lost. I had a professor in college say: "If you don't stand for something, then you'll fall for everything". I think my mind has changed it a little to read: "It's better to excel at one thing than be mediocre at everything".

I actually know why all this is happening to me right now, it's time for growth. It's time for that hurtful, agonizing growth that our Heavenly Father asks of us once in awhile. Although I don't seem to be fully recovered from my last adventure in this growth arena. So long to "comfortable". I won't be seeing it for awhile.