I had a realization just now that I need to write down:
I was that girl in High School that seemed to have everything. She had her own car (or van to be more precise; not that glamorous), she got to be out late with her friends, she was a cheerleader, she dated the guy on the football team (just one and he wasn't even the captain AND it was very brief). She just had it all going for her. She got good grades, she was friends with the teachers, she had a large group of friends. You name it, I probably was all those things and so much more to a lot of people. I'm sure most saw me as successful, having my head screwed on straight....I'll even venture to guess that most thought I would travel through life fairly easily and come out the other side just full of optimism, lots of friends, and a nice car to boot.
I hate to break it to ya, but I'm none of those things. More to my point: I'm that girl that had everything in High School and lost it all. High School was so easy compared to being an adult and a Mom and a small business owner. It is DANG hard! Should it really be this hard? I'm sure I'm making it out to be much worse in my head than it is in reality. Some days my children are lucky I don't lock them out of my house just to get some peace and relief, but wait, if I did that then I would worry about them getting hit my a car, or someone snatching them from my porch only to claim a hefty ransom.......
Lately, I am in a gall of reality and it stinks! I cannot see the bend in the road let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that no matter how hard I try to get a handle on something, anything, it just eludes me. I can't get ahead to save my arse! I guess the lesson here is to just let go. Maybe it eludes me because I'm holding on too tight?
What it comes down to is I feel very mediocre in my life right now. I don't feel that I'm succeeding at anything; there's always so much more to do that the stuff that does get done gets lost. I had a professor in college say: "If you don't stand for something, then you'll fall for everything". I think my mind has changed it a little to read: "It's better to excel at one thing than be mediocre at everything".
I actually know why all this is happening to me right now, it's time for growth. It's time for that hurtful, agonizing growth that our Heavenly Father asks of us once in awhile. Although I don't seem to be fully recovered from my last adventure in this growth arena. So long to "comfortable". I won't be seeing it for awhile.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
It's true: trying really hard to hold onto something is like trying to tightly hold one of those squishy water worm things that people play with at the checkout but never buy.
Trying really hard to do something is also like being a 4-year-old who has decided they can do something by themselves "just fine" if only the parent would stop trying to "interrupt" them with their instructions. How often do we block out our Heavenly parent because we can "figure this out just fine"?
Here's another thing I learned recently: We often bring our agenda to the day when each day brings its own agenda. My day feels much more successful if I state how I want to feel at the end of the day rather than what I want to get accomplished by the end of the day.
I like that Adhis.
And I know how you feel Christi. Growth sucks. But not as much as staying in the same place (emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc) your whole life.
I'm sorry life is stressful! Been there, best suggestion is to hold tight to your babies and your eternal companion, and call me for a Diet Coke/Shake break! Love ya!!
First off, congrats to being that girl! I had none of that, so maybe that's why my expectations are not so high for myself. I understand the feeling mediocre part. We're reaching the age where we feel we should be more accomplished. When we look around at what other 30 something's have done with their lives, some of them have done alot! But you know what, so have we! We've just done different things. I look back on my life, and think, it's been a good life. And that's what matters. Can I have done more? Always. Will I try harder? Hopefully. Here's to us on our way to the big 40, may we live life to the fullest. (I'm still waiting for that nice car too, but I've realized there are other things that are more important anyways)
I loved all the references to high school since I went through all of that with you.
It is hard to pull ourselves up when we are in the dumps. Sometimes talking things out with your husband can help. For me it helps me get to the source of the problem.
You are a very strong person with a desire to do what is right and the Lord acknowledges that and will bless you. Stick to the basics (prayer, scriptures, etc.) and you will pull through. I'll pray for you.
Just wanted to say that you are one of the couple people that always smiles and me and says something to me. It really means a lot to me. It's small and seems weird but it helps me feel happy.
Post a Comment