So, I thought that having a baby at this stage in my life I would have more patience, more resistance to public scrutiny and an inner calmness creating a zen-like approach to raising this child.
Yep, that was the fantasy and now reality has reared it's ugly head.
I cannot calm this child and I feel like a major failure. First, we thought it was our swaddling technique, so we bought a "miracle blanket". It's not quite the miracle we were hoping for. Next, we changed her formula to one for fussy babies. She started spitting up more than ever, so we switched to lactose-free formula. That didn't help with the fussiness. Then we tried white noise. It seems to help camouflage the chaos around the house AFTER she falls asleep, but getting her there is ridiculous.
I thought I had outgrown the reasons for me labeling myself as "not a baby Mom", but I was mistaken. All the old vices are front and center and I'm not who I thought I was. And yet I don't think I really know who I am.
I write this post out of exhaustion. I'm sure that if I get a good night's sleep I'll feel differently, but right now, in this moment, I feel like a failure because my fantasy has popped like a bubble right in front of my face. Actually, let's envision a bubble gum bubble popped all over my face and we all know how much I like Bubble gum!
5 comments:
I am so sorry to hear that this baby hasn't been easy for you. There is nothing like a crying baby to frazzle a mother and make her lose her sanity. Hang in there. I will be praying for you.
Nothing like reality to knock our fantasy flat on its butt. Sorry about the fussy baby. It sucks. Wish I were there to help. At the very least I could invite Sami over for a play-date. We miss you guys.
I'm so sorry! Theres nothing worse. I'm thinking about you!
What did u mean public scrutiny? You're human , try to be patient with yourself. Newborns are SO HARD.
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