My dream last night has really made me stop and think. I had reached my boiling point and chewed out a friend in front of many friends (pounce night). Boy was I livid and did everyone know it. I hope that many of you reading this will think, "That's totally out of character for her". I strive very hard to keep things in check and not allow y'all to see me lose it.
Having said that, I'm not my own best friend. If you think some pretty nasty things about others occasionally, I've told them to myself regularly. I am an adult victim of childhood abuse. Before you freak out, let me explain. As a young child I was molested/abused by someone I trusted and was trusted by my family. My mind was very efficient in repressing this memory and keeping life good for me for many many years. It wasn't until Zacory reached the age of which I was abused that the floodgates opened and opened WIDE. Having talked with professionals, this is actually quite normal and happens often in these situations. I have spent that last 5 years trying to reconcile the emotions of my past life experiences with my current life and still struggle from time to time...often to be honest. I am dealing with the effects of childhood abuse as an adult.
I'm obese. Ironically, it has been in the last 5 years that I have gained all of it. Granted, I have had two more children who have contributed to this state of being, but cannot be blamed for all of it. It's very easy to blame it on my molester and the repressed feelings of history. I'm sure that's part of it, too. I'm also part of family with the genetics to predispose me to obesity. Just look at the family picture taken this summer at our family reunion. Half of us are overweight. Those are all really good reasons for my current state of being. However, I think the real reason I'm like I am is because I don't love myself. I guess I have to like myself somewhat otherwise things would be very different. I guess I don't see myself worthy of a happy, healthy life?
I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of working my @#$-ets off just to lose 1 stinkin' pound. I'm frustrated that I can have a week of eating "clean" and working out every day to only lose a few ounces only to have a week full of holiday feasting and lose a pound. I'm tired of a finicky body. I'm tired of always being reminded that I'm not succeeding at this venture. I have gained and lost the same 4-5 pounds over the past 5 months. I'm tired of stepping on that scale every week with a pit in my stomach and a question in my mind, "Please, please, be a good number".
With all that being tired, I can't bring myself to even try. I've lost my drive. I watch those around me and those featured on "fat" shows and think, "Good for them, that will never be me". I hear people say all the time, "If I can do it, anybody can do it?" Really? Is that really true? I guess the question is why them and not me? What makes me so much different from them? I guess the question to be asking is if I'm ready to shed my shell; physically, emotionally, socially....
I don't know. Thanks for sticking with me through such a long post. I'll go get my diet coke and cheese fries and everything will be better tomorrow, right?
