Beginnings

Boy, it's been awhile. Sorry for being MIA for last last few months. I've been trying to get my disposition more "sunny" for y'all and finally decided that those who read this read it because I'm real. So, I'm back and will strive to write not only about me but about the fam as well.

I've been thinking A LOT about resolutions and improving one's life. In the past I've made a laundry list of things to work on and always seem to fail by Valentine's Day. I joke that I try to maintain my mediocrity, but I really do want to improve.

I was thinking just the other day that I'm nearly 37 and still care so much about what other people think of me, that I still feel that I'm trying to find out who I am. Why has this alluded me for so long?

I'm tired. I'm tired of making the same resolutions year after year. I'm tired of seeming to fight the same battles month after month. So this is the year to begin a new chapter. I'm NOT going to resolve to lose weight, organize my home, walk 10,000 steps a day, find a way to make money to supplement our income. I'm tired of it ALL.

Instead I'm going to take a page from a friend of mine. She chooses one word to live by for the year, like CLEAN or COMPLETE. I think this is very wise for it's easy to remember what your theme is for the year and reflect on it daily. My word for this year is:

PURPOSE

I want to have more purpose in my life. I want to identify what the purpose is for my life. I think I need to be reminded of this. I also feel that this word will help me to live by my values. I know I have them, but how often do I really live by them? I also think that by trying to live more purposefully, I will find the joy and peace and understanding of who I am. I think this will help me to live in the moment and not wait for something better to be just around the corner or to do what everyone else is doing (note the irony).

Holy Moly!

I can't believe it's been since June that I've written. How sad it that!

Craters in my Soul

I was diagnosed with depression in 2003. I have struggled with the label ever since.

I do believe that depression is real.
I do believe that you can't just "think happy thoughts" and be cured of this disease.
I don't believe that everyone needs to be treated with medication.
I don't believe that you have depression for the rest of your life, but I don't believe there is a cure.

Today was a discussion of Gratitude. I think the common consensus is that gratitude is a state of attitude. It was alluded that someone with depression does not have the mindset of gratitude and that if they would change their way of thinking, a person with depression would be better off.

Although I agree that ANYONE with an attitude of gratitude is better off, I don't believe that a person with depression fails to be grateful.

I have come across numerous people who have very strong opinions about depression and share them freely in the open forum of a church meeting. My first response is to get offended for their hasty judgment of me, because I do take their comments to heart. But then I have to remind myself that they don't know me. They don't know my history. They don't know why I have episodes of depression. They have probably never suffered from depression themselves.

I think back to the days of the early saints/pioneers and the physical hardships they had to endure. They were driven from their homes, they were prosecuted for their beliefs. They walked and walked and walked across the plains to search for freedom. Many just sat down and died because of the physical strain on their bodies and lack of nourishment. On that note, I have had the thought that we are pioneers in our day as well. We aren't being asked to suffer from physical hardships. We are enduring mental hardships in our dispensation.

I truly believe that we are given trails and experiences in our lives that mold and shape us into the person our Heavenly Father desires us to become. I believe that my journey through this life is mine alone. NO ONE is having the same experiences in the same sequence as myself. We are saved by individual ordinances and we are who we are by individual trials and experiences along the way.

So, unless you have not only walked a mile in my shoes carrying 100 extra pounds of weight but also have the hindsight of childhood molestation and going virtually crazy when old men approach your children in the park and live in a controlled "muddle" to keep from going off the deep end of the abyss, keep your comments to yourself and simply love me for who I am and pray to know how to help me along my way as I strive to help you along yours.

Baby, you're so PHAT!

So I've been contemplating this blog post for many months and have started it many, many times.
Today is the day to get serious and address the elephant in the room.

Back in February, my DH and I decided to get "healthy". We started respecting one another's work-out times, making better choices with our nutrition, and trying to get more sleep even with a baby on board. We started out strong. Things were going well. As is the case most of the time, he was dropping 5 pounds to every one that I was loosing. It's kinda hard to be competitive with stats like that. Then a funny thing happened....I started gaining weight....with abandon. How could this be happening? I was minding my P's and Q's. I was doing my workouts and working hard during my workouts. So hard, in fact, that I couldn't get through the day without a nap. On the days I worked out (everyday), I couldn't keep my eyes open after 1 pm. I told Chris I thought something else was going on here and he agreed.

So, we started on a different journey. One to find out what was going on with my hormones and molecules. I went to a practice here in Eugene that went straight to the source. After my initial consultation, I came away with a lab slip for 24 tests and supplies to finish 3 more on my own at home. I took the tests and supplements the MD gave me to help with my stamina and energy. And I've waited. Waited and waited.

During this time, I went from hoping that nothing was wrong, to hoping something was terribly wrong so I could validate the fact that things weren't "right". I fantasized about having this great team of medical professionals and dietitians helping me get back on track and flipping some imaginary switch to get my body in fat burning mode instead of fat storing mode.

So, here are the results in a nutshell......

I'm fat.


Way to state the obvious, huh? And it's not like I didn't already know this.

For the handful of genes that make you fat, I was tested for two of them which both came back positive. So, thanks Mom and Dad, for screwing me from the beginning.

I'm estrogen dominant. It has run rampant in my body all my life and has been the cause of many problems along the way. It is also the reason why my body continues to store fat despite my best efforts.

I'm "insulin resistant" but if it weren't for my daily glucose burning workout's, I would be a full fledged diabetic.

My body cannot absorb B vitamins and they are confused about what to do with water. A person wants nice fat plump (note the irony) cells full of water and mine are little raisins. At least something is little, right?

I have the wrong kind of bacteria in my gut, so my body is not getting the nutrients it needs from the food I eat.

Should I continue? I think not. I think I've heard enough.

So where's my team of professionals to turn things around? Well, for the low low price of my first born, it can all be mine. Is it worth it?

I've had many years to think about why I'm fat. I binge on food. I have terrible self-esteem. I'm depressed. The list is long and boring and you've all heard it before.

A friend of mine recently posted about her issues around food and being obese. I almost laughed at some of the responses. Don't you think she's tried that? I wanted to yell at them. It's almost like someone trying to teach a new Mom how to breastfeed. What worked for you may or may not work for me and my baby. It is as individual as life itself.

So, I say to this friend as well as myself:

You are about to embark on the hardest thing you have ever done in your life and that's CHANGE. Gaining weight was easy, giving birth was easy, losing everything and moving to a new state where you don't know anyone was easy. This will be the most difficult journey you have yet to face. BUT it is a journey. As long as you put one foot in front of the other and be forgiving of your missteps, you can accomplish this. It is a steep mountain that you and I need to climb BUT from what I've heard it's so worth it. So find someone or something that can lift you when you're down and pull you from above. Put your trust in the process and have faith along the way. Don't regret your yesterday's, have faith in tomorrow, and simply work today.

As for the Phat side of things.....catch me later.

Apologies

I've noticed that the tone of my blog has been on the bitter, down side of things lately and I should apologize. I've been going through a rough patch lately and it's hard to find the silver lining.

However, I'm starting to turn the corner and hope that my entries will reflect that.

Frustrations

1. Just when you think you have everything under control, it all blows up in your face.

Yep, that about sums it up.

Fantasy

So, I thought that having a baby at this stage in my life I would have more patience, more resistance to public scrutiny and an inner calmness creating a zen-like approach to raising this child.

Yep, that was the fantasy and now reality has reared it's ugly head.



I cannot calm this child and I feel like a major failure. First, we thought it was our swaddling technique, so we bought a "miracle blanket". It's not quite the miracle we were hoping for. Next, we changed her formula to one for fussy babies. She started spitting up more than ever, so we switched to lactose-free formula. That didn't help with the fussiness. Then we tried white noise. It seems to help camouflage the chaos around the house AFTER she falls asleep, but getting her there is ridiculous.

I thought I had outgrown the reasons for me labeling myself as "not a baby Mom", but I was mistaken. All the old vices are front and center and I'm not who I thought I was. And yet I don't think I really know who I am.

I write this post out of exhaustion. I'm sure that if I get a good night's sleep I'll feel differently, but right now, in this moment, I feel like a failure because my fantasy has popped like a bubble right in front of my face. Actually, let's envision a bubble gum bubble popped all over my face and we all know how much I like Bubble gum!