Fantasy

So, I thought that having a baby at this stage in my life I would have more patience, more resistance to public scrutiny and an inner calmness creating a zen-like approach to raising this child.

Yep, that was the fantasy and now reality has reared it's ugly head.



I cannot calm this child and I feel like a major failure. First, we thought it was our swaddling technique, so we bought a "miracle blanket". It's not quite the miracle we were hoping for. Next, we changed her formula to one for fussy babies. She started spitting up more than ever, so we switched to lactose-free formula. That didn't help with the fussiness. Then we tried white noise. It seems to help camouflage the chaos around the house AFTER she falls asleep, but getting her there is ridiculous.

I thought I had outgrown the reasons for me labeling myself as "not a baby Mom", but I was mistaken. All the old vices are front and center and I'm not who I thought I was. And yet I don't think I really know who I am.

I write this post out of exhaustion. I'm sure that if I get a good night's sleep I'll feel differently, but right now, in this moment, I feel like a failure because my fantasy has popped like a bubble right in front of my face. Actually, let's envision a bubble gum bubble popped all over my face and we all know how much I like Bubble gum!

Failures

So, I've been wanting to get a good picture to use for our Christmas card. I also wanted to use the card as a birth announcement for Jaina..










We didn't get very good pictures. I think it's time I start learning the wonderful world of editing, although I don't think all the editing in the world can fix this family!

Re-cap

This has been one HECK of a year.

Let's review:

1. January: Chris was fired from his job.
2. February: Found out I was pregnant and still no job
   
3. March: passed in a blur of toilet seats
4. April: Chris interviewed and accepted a job in Eugene
5. May: No work. PERIOD. Enter Bishop's Store House
6. June: Lost everything and became single Mom still sick with baby
7. July: Move to Oregon and suffer depression
8. August: Dad died, more depression
9. September: No fetal movement = hospital observation
10. October:
11. November:
12. December: Emergency room visit results in surgery and overnight stay in Hospital.

October and November have been the only decent months out of this entire year. Here's hoping the rest of December and 2011 will be full of fun, fun, fun. I think I deserve it.


So, that was going to be the post, but I can't leave it on that note. I have witnessed so many miracles this year that although it has been a rough year, it has been wonderful.

I know it is because Chris and I obeyed the promptings of the Spirit that we are where we are today. It was scary to proceed with pregnancy when Chris had no job, but that's what the Lord wanted. He then blessed us with this opportunity in Eugene which has been amazing. It brought with it great medical insurance that covered the OB expenses we had no idea how we were going to pay.

I honestly think we needed to lose everything to make necessary changes in our lifestyle. The most prominent is no credit card debt. We pay cash for EVERYTHING! I'm happy to say that this will be a great Christmas with no "sticker shock" to come in January.

The passing of my Dad was the most awful yet cherished experience of my life. It was so difficult to sit there in his room day after day and watch him deteriorate so fast. We had a family gathering in his room on Sunday night. His brothers gave him a blessing which told him his work was done here on the earth and it was time for him to go. We sat around in his room in little groups whispering and talking. We had all gathered together to say good-bye to such a wonderful man. I had a little glimpse into Heaven that family was gathered together visiting waiting to welcome Dad home. He passed on Tuesday. I have no doubt that he gathered my Jaina in his arms and taught her all his wisdom before she arrived on this earth. Families are eternal.

The circle of life was complete with the birth of Jaina. It was a perfect delivery and has been a joy having her in our home. The older kids are just mesmerized by her and love her to death. I have enjoyed these last few months more than with any of my other kids. I've had my moments, but I haven't had the post-pardum depression like I had with the others.

So, as I look back, this has been a year of change and growth. I can't complain about that.

Halloween

We had a very low key Halloween this year. It was tough to be in a new city, new neighborhood and have the Holiday on a Sunday. Our ward did a combined activity on Wednesday night. It was full of fun booths to play at, a "haunted stage" and trick-or-treat from room to room.

We did find a tick-or-treat at a local mall on Saturday. We had a good time there and only saw one family from our ward. Our Halloween night was very quiet. I have no idea if we had any trick-or-treaters because our doorbell is broken.

We look forward to next year when we know more about our town, our neighbors, our ward and the Holiday won't be on Sunday.

Jaina Colleen

It all started with a cold. I got sick the end of September. I was miserable. I couldn't breathe through my nose and THAT was reason enough. I broke down and took some cold medicine to help me sleep. The next morning, I couldn't feel my little girl move. Normally, she was all over the place as soon as I ate my morning snack before getting out of bed. This girl was going no where.

I called the doctor and they had me come in for a non-stress test (NST). Did I mention Zacory was home sick and Sami didn't have school. I left them home to their own devices and ventured to the clinic. I was there for almost 2 hours and was referred directly to the hospital for further observation.

I was scared. I was only suppose to be gone for an hour and now I had no idea how long I was to be in the hospital. With two kids home alone, I was very nervous for them as well as for myself and the baby. Enter the tears.

I find it interesting that strangers try so hard to find out what is wrong when someone cries.

The nurses felt bad, the doctor felt bad. They were all trying so hard to make me feel better. Not gonna happen. I was in the hospital with no friends to call, two kids home alone, one of which was sick AND my husband wasn't answering his cell phone. He didn't know what was going on. My mind kept saying "If you still lived in UT..." Yep, that made me cry even more.

Results were fine. Baby girl wasn't under any duress and her heartbeat was strong. The MD checked me and said I was a "stretchy 3 moving toward a 4". She continued to tell me she thought I had a 50% chance of having the baby that weekend.

PANIC

My babies come very quickly. I haven't had a labor longer than 3 hours. If I was already at a 4 chances are I was gonna have this baby under an hour.

MORE PANIC

I immediately called in the troops. My wonderful Mother put everything on hold and came to my rescue within 48 hours. Bless. Her. Heart.

I was required to do 2 NST a week as well as an ultrasound test once a week. Nothing like going to the doctor twice a week for at least a hour each time. Not very fun. But all was well and baby was doing good.

In case you're wondering, I haven't referred to her by name because to this point we hadn't decided on a name.

After 2 weeks of doctor's visits, lots of rest and lots of last minute preparations, my water broke at 2:30 am. Chris and I rushed out the door, leaving Mom to get the kiddos off to school. Once at the hospital, the staff just couldn't move fast enough for my taste. It took them 30 minutes to "triage". PLEASE, people, just give me some drugs! They finally decided that I was indeed in labor and admitted me. DUH

I ended up receiving a intrathecal because I was progressing quickly and this would take effect almost instantly and the effects would wear off quicker. I would like to say that it was heaven, but I still felt all the back labor. Basically, it took the edge off and I was able to deal with the pain I could feel. After the pain meds were administered, baby's heartbeat disappeared. They slapped an oxygen mask on my face and put a monitor on her head to make sure all was well. After about 2 minutes, but seemed like an eternity, of everyone holding their breath, except me, her heart rate recovered and all was well again.

At one point, they checked me and said I was fully dilated but the baby's head was still very high. They thought I would be pushing for awhile. After 2 more contractions, her head was right there. With the next contraction, I pushed and Miss Jaina was born.

I was impressed with this birth. They didn't whisk her away from me. She was immediately put on my chest for some skin to skin and remained there for an HOUR. They did everything they needed to with her in my arms. I was so impressed! All my other babies were taken from me right after birth. When it was time to get up and move to my recovery room, they bathed her and Chris finally got to hold her.

She stayed with me the entire time. This hospital didn't even have a nursery to send her to. The nurses offered to take her to their station for a few hours, but I declined. I would rather have her in the room with me.

Recovery has been great. I seem to have bounced back as quickly as in my younger days and all in all, I feel pretty good. She is a doll that grunts A LOT. We love her and she has wiggled her way into all our hearts, except for maybe the dog. Sasha isn't a fan just yet.

Lost

Although this is the title of one of my favorite shows, it simply describes how I feel lately.

As you all know, we have gone through a lot of changes recently. I think the straw that has broken my back is the death of my father.

We all knew it was inevitable as he has been fighting a losing battle with cancer the last 3 years. However, as much as you think you are prepared for it, NOTHING can prepare you for the mix of emotions that reek havoc with your life.

I try to function for the sake of my children, but I just can't seem to get going. I have a baby due in 8 weeks and I have no gumption to prepare a crib, wash up clothes or to even shop. I have no desire to explore our new surroundings here in Eugene.

I am lost and as I sit and ponder who will find me, I realize that now is the time to strengthen my relationship with the Savior, with my family and to finally become my own best friend.

Ponderings

There have been so many changes lately, that my heart and brain haven't had time to process it all. I thought I'd sit down today and do a little catching up.

• It pains my heart when I think of all the wonderful friends and family we left behind in Utah. I did my best to put on a happy face and keep my comments positive, but man, it has really been a struggle to keep the tears at bay. Chris and I have been married for 12 years this August and Lehi was the one place we had put down roots. We lived there for nearly 5 years which is the longest of anywhere. We lived in Philly for 4 years, but always knew it was temporary and didn't really allow ourselves to get attached. This was NOT the case in Lehi. We grew to love so many people and they really became special to us. I didn't realize how much I LOVED Lehi until I've lived here for a week. Mine is a lonely existence so far and I really really want to make some friends. I just don't want to appear overeager and scare normal people away.
  
• I really dislike my pregnant body. Many of you know, I worked hard to lose 30 pounds this last year. I was feeling very confident and optimistic about my future. Then things changed and it was time to finally have baby #4. What a mess! I've discovered the first signs of varicose veins. UGH! Don't even get me started on the stretch marks. I know, these are all things that many pregnant women face, but now my ankles are swelling and I'm sporting "support hose" to keep the pain at bay. I'm just falling apart. My 30 pounds is back with a vengeance and I haven't even started my 3rd trimester yet. I have never enjoyed being pregnant and I don't know why I thought this time would be any different. I have yet to find the joy of procreation except for maybe the actual "act". I've never enjoyed the larger breasts, my swelling abdomen and totally fail to see my personal beauty while being pregnant. Now, please don't misunderstand me: I'm very grateful to have this baby growing inside me and realize the privilege it is that not all women enjoy. I'm simply having a vain moment.
• I really love my husband. He is so kind and gentle. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body and is really accepting of all aspects of his life. He works hard and tries his best. Sometimes, as we recently learned, his best isn't good enough. I'm grateful that he is wise enough and humble enough to make the necessary changes to help our family survive and eventually thrive. He has been a champ through all these changes and has been my rock through it all. He truly is my best friend, and I'm glad we have eternity to be together. I'm grateful he cherishes his Priesthood responsibilities and blesses our home with it's power.
  
• Our new ward is.....I think I'll reserve my judgments for later. We have been asked numerous times how long we plan on staying. Well, we aren't students, we aren't here for a contracted amount of time, and we don't have any ties to the Northwest. We are simply here and will remain here until the Lord takes us somewhere else, I guess. I find it rather entertaining. There were all of 9 children in Senior Primary and this included my 2 boys today. My hope is that by the time school starts and families are done with vacations, they will be in the double digits on a regular basis. We have the "office" missionaries in our ward which includes the senior couples. Today, they spoke about the joys of service and made the plug for more couple missionaries. That's never something we would've heard in our old ward. It was kinda refreshing. It will take some time to adjust, but we look forward to getting to know more people and finding some lasting friendships among them.

Well, I could go on and on, but it's time to put the kidlets to bed and put my swollen feet up. I realize this post should have been titled "ramblings" but I have thought a lot about what I wanted to write and how I wanted to write it, hence it has been pondered upon.